“I found it better than counselling, which keeps going over and over the past. Life coaching says ‘that’s done, let’s go forward’”. So says Suzy Miller, founder of the Starting Over show, in a recent article in the Sunday Times. And in a nutshell that’s what coaching does. It focuses on where you are now and where you want to get to. So often people get referred to counselling when in fact what they need is the opportunity to focus on the future.

I am making contact with family lawyers at the moment as I hope they will refer clients who are stuck in the emotional mess of divorce, who maybe aren’t even sure if that is the right step for them or want to focus on the future. But I can’t help but wonder if they find it difficult to refer people on. I know I did as a health visitor. There were times when I know I should have referred people on but was easily seduced by the words “Yes but I know I can talk to you” or “You always listen to me”. So if there are any family lawyers reading this working in the Cheshire, Wirral or North Wales area I would love to hear from you.

But I do want to quibble with Suzy slightly as I also know that there is a grief process to go through when a relationship breaks down that is normal and healthy and a life coach can be alongside that process and not ignore it. At the same time it doesn’t mean you have to sit in the slough of despond for weeks or months, it is important just to know that there will be days when you do feel very angry or very depressed and if that is the day of your coaching appointment that’s fine too. So you can focus on the good bits and the bad bits in coaching, whatever feels right.

What we are now learning is that focusing on goals is great for developing a positive mindset. Going through divorce and separation can make mincemeat of positivity with all the anger and other negative emotions that there are around, never mind what it does for your confidence. So coaching is a great antidote and definitely a worthwhile investment!

The answer to that is most definitely no! But it’s something that I have been thinking about for some time for two reasons. I was angered at the simplistic way in which the Law of Attraction was being described and wanted to respond in some way. Quantum physics demonstrates that we are all part of one great energy field of which even our thoughts are part. But how damaging is it to think that what we attract into our lives is due to the thoughts we put out there? Think of the guilt and the fear and the anxiety that that creates.

I then went on to read an article written by Barbara Ehrenreich in which she described her anger at her diagnosis of breast cancer and her feelings about “the tyranny of positive thinking”. Her views were reinforced by Jenni Murray, another well known breast cancer “survivor”. As I read their words it has given me the courage to say what I want to say about some of this positive thinking stuff and then go on to what I think can be useful. Anger, depression, fear must be experienced by all women given such a devastating diagnosis as breast cancer and to suppress it is brewing trouble for later; it is part of a natural grief process.

However there is no doubt that bringing positivity into our lives has an impact mentally, emotionally, physically and socially. I have been reading Barbara Frederickson’s book “Positivity” in my quest to find some evidence to support positive thinking. Barbara is a scientist through and through, and has used randomized controlled trials, the gold standard of research, to demonstrate the impact of positivity. She has also seen the impact in her own life and the lives of others. Her key argument is that positivity broadens and builds the mind. She also suggests that there is a tipping point which predicts whether people flourish or languish and that tipping point is three positive experiences to one negative. The book is full of ideas for how we can do that. She does not suggest for one minute that we can or should banish or ignore negative experiences from our lives

Finally I want to express my anger at the amount of stuff there is out there suggesting that this is all so easy and there are people making loads of money on the back of it. That does no favours for my profession of coaching. Change is never easy but there is a body of evidence growing out there to demonstrate that whatever age we are we can change the way our minds and consequently our brains work. It is possible to create new neural pathways in three months. Therefore a life coaching package of three months can give you results.

You can buy Barbara’s book should you wish via the recommended reading section of my website.